I have struggled with needing outside validation and acknowledgment to feel seen, appreciated and worthy. But the funny thing is, then my inner critic would end up deleting it or discrediting their compliment, so it is like it never happened.
You see for as long as I can remember I have been an over achiever (or an attempted over achiever) I remember setting goals that were way to high, unrealistic and thinking how bad I fucked up if I didn’t reach them.
I expanded my first business 6 times within a few year’s time because it had to get better, it wasn’t good enough and I would miss some kind of boat if I didn’t make it bigger.
I was being recognized by the community, I was winning most of the awards I set out to win and I had an ALL-STAR team. And it still wasn’t good enough.
I was in panic mode ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I wasn’t able to be fun and lighthearted for my staff, I was always so serious because it felt like our survival was on my shoulders. I was defensive because I felt like I was doing everything wining my power and I was still falling short.
From the outside looking in, I was living the life!
People considered me to be a pretty big success. I would often hear how impressed people were, how much they loved my business, my team and my products. People couldn’t believe I accomplished so much, so young - I was 23 when I opened my day spa and it was very well known before I hit 30.
As fast as a compliment was given, I had something to prove it wrong. Each time I won an award, I was already in panic about winning it the next year.
Then, I finally sought out consultants to help me “fix” the business, I went to therapy to try to “fix” myself due to sadness from life events and then I leaned on coaching when I really hit rock bottom. Everyone I talked with would tell me how I needed to feel validation from within or nothing coming from the outside would ever be enough. One person explained it like this:
“Imagine you have bucket you put all of your validation in. Yours has holes in it so it will never fill up. Everything keeps falling through all of them.”
I needed to patch the hole so my bucket could stay full and then I needed to fill it myself, with my own feelings of worth, appreciation and self-respect. UUMmm, okay? How the hell do I do that, I can’t do anything right!
Fast forward to now, where I will not say I am an expert by any means, but I am finding ways to patch the hole. What is my patch made of?
A heaping serving of mindset work
A few overflowing cups of gratitude
A pinch of fun and not taking myself too seriously
A handful of afformations or affirmations
Some belief and emotion clearing
And marinate in meditation for at least 10 minutes
I have a client who came to me a few years ago with similar feelings of failure and she felt hers stemmed from her relationship, not feeling good enough and being too reliant on her partner for her happiness.
She started out asking how she could be better for him and make him happier and by the time our three-month program was over she was trying to figure out how to tell him he wasn’t good enough for her!
She created a life for herself, has tons of new activities on the calendar, exercise became a part of her routine and when you see her she is absolutely beaming. She found her worth through the same recipe and sprinkle of a few more things.
She blossomed from all of the work she put into herself and her happiness. She did all of this through the exercises and processes I guided her through.
If you are anything like us, I’d love to share all of this type of transformation with you too.